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'If I could beg every young woman (without sounding like I’m giving a valedictorian speech) to do one thing, it would be to go somewhere alone. It doesn’t have to be South America or a kibbutz in Israel or the Peace Corps. Buy a bus ticket, hop in the car, jump on the train and get off at a place that is at least an hour from where you live. Talk to a stranger, take them for coffee, wander around and buy yourself a souvenir. Get lost for a day. Please don’t take a self-portrait picture of yourself to later put on Facebook so that you can show people how adventurous you are, if you can help it. This precious moment is yours and yours alone and for once something belongs to no one else but you.'
-taken from Hellogiggles.com (my new favourite thing)
Bits from my Book (6)
What really knocks me out is a book that, when you're all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it.
JD Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye
JD Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye
I havn't written here since February. My whole self is in a bit of a muddle at the moment. I havn't felt myself in a while, I have no inspiration, no drive. My boyfriend has just told me I'm not the girl he fell in love with, and he's right. I havn't spent any time doing the things I love and therefore have lost interest in almost everything. There's no quick fix and I don't know if he'll stick around, but I'm determined to get myself back to normal - write, potter, read, photograph, learn, laugh, not just do what people want because its easier. come on life, start.
on snow.
"hey, if you don't mind, please fuck off, on behalf of both me and alice. just... if you're free. fuck off. okay? hey thanks."
- Lauren's expression of anger made my day. There's nothing wrong with a little healthy cussing every now and again.
- Lauren's expression of anger made my day. There's nothing wrong with a little healthy cussing every now and again.
For the last 3 nights in a row, I have woken up at around 4am crying and shaking, with full believe that my best friend is dead. I read somewhere that when we stop being friends with someone, we mourn them, as if we had lost them, to death or something similarly tragic, in an almost primitive or animalistic way.
This is how I feel today, like i'm missing something or some part of me, and I have a sinking feeling that my dreams will follow me around all day. If only people weren't so selfish.
This is how I feel today, like i'm missing something or some part of me, and I have a sinking feeling that my dreams will follow me around all day. If only people weren't so selfish.
Bits from my book (5)
'One reason Helena and I would never be close friends is that I am about half as tall as she. People tend to stuck to their own size group because it's easier on the neck. Unless they are romatically involved, in which case the size difference is sexy. It means: I am willing to go the distance for you.'
From The Shared Piano, in No one belongs here more than you. Stories by Miranda July.
From The Shared Piano, in No one belongs here more than you. Stories by Miranda July.
My big sister runs parallel to these, and her recent engagement to her very own John Brooke, or Mr Bingley will no doubt be the fairy tale ending which all these lovely older sisters deservingly acheive.
(Also, being the second sister, that leaves a respectable, intelligent and poor Professer Baher for me, or, the charming and rather rich and handsome Mr Darcy, I dont mind waiting around for that, or to live in Pemberley.)
Congratulations Milly.
reference: a pretty average article on famous literary sisters.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/booksblog/2010/jun/03/sisters-literature-fiction
I am so cold, I wonder how it can be that I am here and not in the Antarctic. going to bed at 9.30 just to try and stay warm...this is only october...how?!
In other news, my lovely mummy sent me the best gift today..a week (++) worth of fantastic good food to look after me, I was so pleased, I cried, then cried again. and then we all clapped after i cooked my first ever roast dinner for 8 people. my mummy makes me want to do nice things for everyone. so I'm starting now, and buying a present for my sister. and probably one for my mummy too.
thank goodness for family and good friends to look after me when i feel this sick.
In other news, my lovely mummy sent me the best gift today..a week (++) worth of fantastic good food to look after me, I was so pleased, I cried, then cried again. and then we all clapped after i cooked my first ever roast dinner for 8 people. my mummy makes me want to do nice things for everyone. so I'm starting now, and buying a present for my sister. and probably one for my mummy too.
thank goodness for family and good friends to look after me when i feel this sick.
After a substantial hiatus, the time has come to start blogging again I feel...if for nothing else, than to get my brain back to thinking about words words words before the start of term.
Top 5 Things I'm loving right now:
This is England '86
Interpol
Fight Club
Brogues
Writing Letters
Top 5 Things I'm hating right now:
Cold Feet
The question 'So what do you want to do after uni'
lack of concentration
missing far away friends
shorter days.
Top 5 Things I'm loving right now:
This is England '86
Interpol
Fight Club
Brogues
Writing Letters
Top 5 Things I'm hating right now:
Cold Feet
The question 'So what do you want to do after uni'
lack of concentration
missing far away friends
shorter days.
“If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to”
On the whole, I truly believe honesty to be the most challenging, yet rewarding virtue. i spend so much time wishing that people would wear as much as they can possess on their sleeves, whilst i similarly to everyone else in question, keep my sleeves very much hidden by protective, thick knit, brightly coloured woolen shrouds. I guess, like most people I, like everyone else rather arrogantly worry that what I really think, feel, do, will cause others some form of distress, when ultimately, my opinion really is 'invalid' in a society where people possess such a plethora of 'friends' derived mainly from social networking, that one needle in a haystack opinion is quickly neglected and forgotten. I know this makes me seem largely like I have forced myself into a social corner very obviously signposted 'CAUTION - LONER'.
all i'm saying is that I wish that more often it was simple to blurt out my feelings with the knowledge that it could affect someone so much that it would stop them in their tracks for a bit..but sadly, everything seems to get a bit lost as everyone gos about their daily business, and we forget that the time it took for people to gather the courage for 100% honesty, deserves a lot of attention as compensation. i guess no one wants to face up to the truth whether it belongs to us or not.
just to prove the point of not being able to face the truth, or probably more importantly, not wanting to: I had every intention of stating at least 5 'truths' following this blog. but just cant do it. I dont even know why.
On the whole, I truly believe honesty to be the most challenging, yet rewarding virtue. i spend so much time wishing that people would wear as much as they can possess on their sleeves, whilst i similarly to everyone else in question, keep my sleeves very much hidden by protective, thick knit, brightly coloured woolen shrouds. I guess, like most people I, like everyone else rather arrogantly worry that what I really think, feel, do, will cause others some form of distress, when ultimately, my opinion really is 'invalid' in a society where people possess such a plethora of 'friends' derived mainly from social networking, that one needle in a haystack opinion is quickly neglected and forgotten. I know this makes me seem largely like I have forced myself into a social corner very obviously signposted 'CAUTION - LONER'.
all i'm saying is that I wish that more often it was simple to blurt out my feelings with the knowledge that it could affect someone so much that it would stop them in their tracks for a bit..but sadly, everything seems to get a bit lost as everyone gos about their daily business, and we forget that the time it took for people to gather the courage for 100% honesty, deserves a lot of attention as compensation. i guess no one wants to face up to the truth whether it belongs to us or not.
just to prove the point of not being able to face the truth, or probably more importantly, not wanting to: I had every intention of stating at least 5 'truths' following this blog. but just cant do it. I dont even know why.
NYC June 2008
I miss New York, I like that we had no money or no real idea what we were doing, and we didn't understand the transport so we walked everywhere. I liked eating at whole foods and in back street restaurants. I liked sitting by the water and admiring the Statue of Liberty rather than visting her. I liked only realising the Empire State Building was the Empire State Building after we'd passed it. I liked how busy the MoMA was and that it didn't have any Jeff Koons in it. I liked the smell of city and clove cigarettes. I liked the book shops and vintage stores and the village. And i really like that I can go back one day.
Word. (7)
Solipsism.
- The philosophical idea that only one's own mind is sure to exist; the theory that only the self exists, or can be proved to exist.
- Extreme preoccupation with and indulgence of, one's feelings, desires etc. ego-tistic self-absorption.
- The philosophical idea that only one's own mind is sure to exist; the theory that only the self exists, or can be proved to exist.
- Extreme preoccupation with and indulgence of, one's feelings, desires etc. ego-tistic self-absorption.
Bits from my book (4)
But when the self speaks to the self, who is speaking? - the entombed soul, the spirit driven in, in , to the central catacomb; the self that took the veil and left the world - a coward perhaps, yet somehow beautiful, as it flits with its lantern relentlessly up and down dark corridors.
-Virginia Woolf, Letters, IV, 27th September, 1930
-Virginia Woolf, Letters, IV, 27th September, 1930
I remember my friend Lauren once telling me that when she was in pain, she often wished her friends or family could touch the afflicted site and feel for a second what she was going through, so that they could understand. today I wish that more than anything, I wish that i had a family member, or close friend here to give me a big hug, and feel relief at the thought that someone could understand and share how I feel, i think i would sob and sob and sob until I felt empty and satisfied and finally able to sleep. It all comes down to a big squeeze, and I think I really need one.
Tomorrow is the start of an epic couple of weeks of hard graft slogging in the library. my positivity remains within the fact that following that week, my birthday and summer will be here, and I'll have the release I know I need to sort out all my anxiety issues, the shakes, the lack of sleep and concentrate on doing things that I love. Thank God for that.
Tomorrow is the start of an epic couple of weeks of hard graft slogging in the library. my positivity remains within the fact that following that week, my birthday and summer will be here, and I'll have the release I know I need to sort out all my anxiety issues, the shakes, the lack of sleep and concentrate on doing things that I love. Thank God for that.
You Time
With so much crowding our radar, we tend to focus on whatever's flagging us down with the most urgency. (pick up the kids, return a call, finish a report) But what slips off our mental screen is often just as important: a craving for apples, a nagging ache, a deep desire for an extra hour of sleep. This month, engage your health as enthusiastically as you do everything else. Give well-being your full attention - and get in the habit of taking thoughtful action on your own behalf. It's funny what happens when you commit to looking health in the eye. Life itself has a way of coming into focus.
Things that make feel better during 'me time':
-blaring monsters of folk really loudly
-going for a walk
-writing to do lists and checking everything off
-writing notes and letters and sending parcels
-watching a really good film with a glass of wine
-reading Jack Kerouac
-planning a trip
-listening to plinky plonky music and writing things down / cutting and sticking.
-editing photos.
The things you do during your 'you time' are the things that ultimately shape who you are, and stop you becoming like everyone else, or adopting those habits that you never thought you would. Sometimes its difficult to not become addicted.
Things that make feel better during 'me time':
-blaring monsters of folk really loudly
-going for a walk
-writing to do lists and checking everything off
-writing notes and letters and sending parcels
-watching a really good film with a glass of wine
-reading Jack Kerouac
-planning a trip
-listening to plinky plonky music and writing things down / cutting and sticking.
-editing photos.
The things you do during your 'you time' are the things that ultimately shape who you are, and stop you becoming like everyone else, or adopting those habits that you never thought you would. Sometimes its difficult to not become addicted.
April Resolutions.
- Write 'To Do' lists and stick to them.
- Do at least one creative project a week.
- Give up wheat for a bit.
- Do at least one creative project a week.
- Give up wheat for a bit.
Itchy Feet.
I really fancy a new adventure. I always feel this way when something has happened, or not happened, and the future looks slightly misty. Cryptic I know, but also slightly hard to explain. Restlessness creeps up on me, and often it's too late to do much about it other than daydream myself into new places. I can't remember not being happy whilst embarking on an adventure, whether around the world, or just a day trip; for me, in retrospect the low points come as part of the up points, and they all merge together to form a colourful and warm bulletin board of memories. I know that like all things, adventures don't come without dramas, I suppose that's what makes them real..and maybe that's what I love so much about them. I crave them. Changes in scenery, people, air even. It perhaps is really just a craving for new things, new thoughts and ideas, new stories, the ability to form new opinions so that one day I can work out where I really want to be and what I want to do with myself.
Bits from my book (3)
For the first time in her life she turned with violence against nature. Elk-hounds and rose bushes were about her in profusion. But elk-hounds and rose bushes can none of them read. It is a lementable oversight on the part of Providence which had never struck her before. Human beings alone are thus gifted. Human beings had become necessary.
Orlando - Virginia Woolf
Orlando - Virginia Woolf
Veganism. Day 14.
The time has finally come when I can officially put down the soya and pick up the milk, exhange the houmous for the philadelphia and once again satisfy my sweet tooth's endless cravings. I know that my blog postings dramatically came to an end after a week of journaling - i think virginia woolf would be most disappointed at my poor effort - however, i feel this was mainly due to a lack of inspiration more than anything else. Being a vegan as a student proved incredibly difficult, well, maybe not difficult, i'd say more tiresome. not wanting to splash out on thousands of extravagant ingredients for a two week experiment meant that often my meals were roast vegetable and sauce based, not that i didnt vary the ways in which i ate the veggies, but, you know, a roast parsnip is indeed, just a roast parsnip. Although my incredibly bloated stomach has slightly subsided, i havnt noticed any decrease in my weight, disappointingly, i have however acquired a rather strange and slightly alarming case of the shakes, whereby my fingers quiver as though i have aged 80 years in 14 days. I am not sure why this has happenend, to be fair, it could be lack of sleep, but if it were to do with my diet, i would not be surprised if it was through lack of sugar. whilst typing this I have indulged in some rather splendid Jazzles, my favourite white chocolate treats, and althought the taste is sublime, the sugar is making me shake more and i do feel incredibly sick. same gos for milk in my tea, and too much of any form of dairy (I'm writing this a day late, i did infact cease to be vegan yesterday)
Despite all these things, (perhaps i should have stated the positive first) I have enjoyed being vegan, it is kind of exciting, in a sad way, to experiment with diet etc, how have i coped without chocolate? absolutely no problem. How much have i missed fish? a lot, but not enough to send me spiralling into despair. I think removing anything from your diet is easy if you have willpower, which i dont. the only reason i found it easy is because it was a challenge and i had a goal, if i'd condemned myself to suffer a long vegan life, i would have failed miserably..but i am interested to see if i now cut down on sugar etc and continue to eat ryvita, or nuts and raisins as a snack. unlikely - i couldnt do that to Cadbury's profit margins. However, I will say that I have enjoyed the challenge, it has been interesting and increased my awareness regarding my usually awful eating habits. May I remember this for the future and not become carried away by the niggling part of my brain which tricks me into gorging myself with sugary snacks. We shall see.
Despite all these things, (perhaps i should have stated the positive first) I have enjoyed being vegan, it is kind of exciting, in a sad way, to experiment with diet etc, how have i coped without chocolate? absolutely no problem. How much have i missed fish? a lot, but not enough to send me spiralling into despair. I think removing anything from your diet is easy if you have willpower, which i dont. the only reason i found it easy is because it was a challenge and i had a goal, if i'd condemned myself to suffer a long vegan life, i would have failed miserably..but i am interested to see if i now cut down on sugar etc and continue to eat ryvita, or nuts and raisins as a snack. unlikely - i couldnt do that to Cadbury's profit margins. However, I will say that I have enjoyed the challenge, it has been interesting and increased my awareness regarding my usually awful eating habits. May I remember this for the future and not become carried away by the niggling part of my brain which tricks me into gorging myself with sugary snacks. We shall see.
Veganism. Day 7.
Eugh, eugh and double eugh. I am so bloated, I can't even look at my tummy in the mirror, every part of me feels like a big balloon. luckily, google searching tells me this is normal, and to drink water, so i am downing it by the pint. how depressing, i thought i'd feel lighter than air, i havnt even eaten anything crappy in a week. what's the deal with that?! hopefully in a day or two it will go down, but til then i'm wearing everything floaty, thank heavens it's spring and sunny and i can get away with that.
i look more like Tweedle-dee or Tweedle-dum than Alice.
Veganism. Day 6.
Eugh. Today I feel as if I had a bag of rocks clattering around in my tummy. So heavy and full, without eating anything. What's the problem with being constantly full? I feel constantly sluggish! - Also, I crave something sweet and comforting. Having Ryvita, or roasted veggies as a snack hardly rocks my world! I think perhaps today was worse as I wasn't feeling very well, and therfore just wanted things which would make me feel better. I suppose the key is just lots of water (and lemsip) and hopefully sunday will be better.
(Sorbet and Alice in Wonderland - who could possibly moan about that!)
(Sorbet and Alice in Wonderland - who could possibly moan about that!)
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