word of the day.

i think my problem is that i find it extremely difficult to let people in, and when i do, i attach a little piece of myself to them somehow, so that when the time comes for letting go, its even more of a struggle...even if i never intended to let them in in the first place.

tricky.

Praying everything comes together soon. Today I lost my second job in just over a month, for one reason or another.

Something seriously has to give soon.

For Liane

Hello!

(because I know you're creeping on me!)

x

2 nice things from Friday

1. I stroked an owl and felt really happy

2. I baked Tim a birthday cheesecake

Sometimes when I read what other people say about their lives, I think they sound so amazing and perfect and glamourous. I think things like 'wow, they're sitting in their perfect bed, patiently and quietly reading their book, listening to tinkly music and ignoring their phone.  They must just be so content.' I think this because I often try really hard to achieve this perfect state of serenity.  I can put on plinky plonky music, change my sheets, hide my phone and get into bed and sit to read my book but feel complete panic.

Panic perhaps because it is NOT serene.  There are still 1001 things going through my head, and I find it incredibly hard to focus on the page.  The more I think about how perfect it should be, the less perfect it is.

So then I start thinking, and its quite comforting, that the person that I have read about, or envision in my head is perhaps not reading at all, and instead they are pretending and they too have 1001 things buzzing in their brain, but because I'm not in it, I don't know...if that makes sense.  If they were to read about me sitting in my bed studying away at my novel, they might think MY life is peaceful and serene.

So then I get to thinking...what if someone was to write about my life from an outside perspective, without all the head thoughts and heart skips...they'd probably think it was quite cushty.  I do really lovely things which should make me happy, and I have really lovely friends who DO make me happy.  I only really do things that I want to do, ever.  Because I'm set in my ways.....and my friend louise told me, 'if it makes you happy, do it. If it doesnt, dont.' and I think I took that a bit too literally.

SOOOOOOOO...then I thought if I find at least 2 things (because that's easy) that make me happy every day and try and write them down (although I know I wont every day, but its ok to write in my head because that's where all this happens anyway) then perhaps when I look back, from an outside perspective of my present self (you get me?!) then I will think...'Boy,  I had it made, doing all those wonderful things and not thinking any bad thoughts...'

and that might be quite nice.

So anyway. The point of this was...here are 2 nice things that happened to me today, with photo evidence

Harry and I went on a really long walk in the rain, which is the first walk I've been on in ages and had a really great chat about lots of things.  We also tried to work out how to use my Diana F+ camera, which has been in it's box for a year and a half, poor thing. We gave up to drink tea and eat roasted pumpkin seeds.  I love going to Harry's house because it reminds me of growing up and I can wear two kinds of tartan and a raggy boy's jumper and everyone just smiles at me, instead of thinking I'm mental. It makes me nostalgic. In a great way.

This is my first ever chocolate advent calendar. Me and Louise bought each other one this year, a) because I'd never had one, and b) because we don't have boyfriends and thought, well....why don't friends just do this stuff because its nice.  Like, if I would go out of my way to do something nice for my boyfriend, why wouldn't I do that for my friends?  Anyway, we gave them to each other about 2 weeks ago and probably have text each other every day saying how excited we are for 1st December.

I ate my chocolate for breakfast like I know you're supposed to do, wrote my Christmas cards and put some candy canes in milk bottles for the doorstep.

Now who could complain about either of these things?

For Kim

I promise I will write my blog. For you. Even if I have nothing to say! 

Like right now. 

I have nothing to say!!

x

sometimes you need the props pulled from under your feet so you can discover what is rock and what is sand.

definitely. x

Some good words.

'If I could beg every young woman (without sounding like I’m giving a valedictorian speech) to do one thing, it would be to go somewhere alone. It doesn’t have to be South America or a kibbutz in Israel or the Peace Corps. Buy a bus ticket, hop in the car, jump on the train and get off at a place that is at least an hour from where you live. Talk to a stranger, take them for coffee, wander around and buy yourself a souvenir.  Get lost for a day. Please don’t take a self-portrait picture of yourself to later put on Facebook so that you can show people how adventurous you are, if you can help it. This precious moment is yours and yours alone and for once something belongs to no one else but you.'


-taken from Hellogiggles.com (my new favourite thing)

Bits from my Book (6)

What really knocks me out is a book that, when you're all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it.

JD Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

I havn't written here since February. My whole self is in a bit of a muddle at the moment. I havn't felt myself in a while, I have no inspiration, no drive.  My boyfriend has just told me I'm not the girl he fell in love with, and he's right. I havn't spent any time doing the things I love and therefore have lost interest in almost everything.  There's no quick fix and I don't know if he'll stick around, but I'm determined to get myself back to normal - write, potter, read, photograph, learn, laugh, not just do what people want because its easier.  come on life, start.