22 things I wanted to do before I was 23
-here's to new adventures!

22 things I would like to do before I’m 23
1.     Leave love notes in books at the book shop - still super excited to do this!
2.     Sew something - All my valentine's day cards and my sister's Christmas pres.
3.     Visit Groombridge Place - with Lucy and Olivia!
4.     Work around books - a short-lived publishing career
5.     Learn how to use my Diana F+ camera - me and harry tried!
6.     Get in touch with one old friend - rekindled my friendship with Ro
7.     Watch It’s a Wonderful Life - watched half of it, fell asleep!
8.     If I like it, do it. If I don’t, don’t. - This a bit vague  but I tried!
9.     Fill 10 days of my star chart - check!
10.   Go to the National Wildlife Photographer of the Year exhibition - check!
11.  Go somewhere for a day without telling anybody / Go somewhere new  - I wish!
12.   Find a new hobby - studying Japanese
13.   Read a series/trilogy - 1Q84!
14.   Plan milly’s hen party - half check!
15.   Help someone with more significant problems  I hope!
16.   Organise going to Japan - I'm here!
17.   Sort my bridesmaid dress   YAY!
18.   Post things to all my friends - Valentine's Love.
19.   Lend someone a book I love - Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.
20.   Update my ipod - Don't know how to do this!
21.    Organise a social event  - My leaving do!
22.  Remember to stay independent. You don’t need boys. This means, stop trying to be someone else’s perfect. I suck at this! 

Bits from my book

She had to satisfy herself with the idea of love..loving the loving of things whose existence she didn't care at all about. Love itself became the object of her love. She Loved herself in love, she loved loving Love, as love loves loving, and was able, in that way, to reconcile herself with a world that fell so short of what she would have hoped for. It was not the world that was the great and saving lie, butcher willingness to make it beautiful and fair, to live a once removed Life, in a world once removed from the one in which everyone else seeme to exist. From everything is illuminated-jonathon Safran foer.
A photo of my day. People sending me photos of their days has made my time as a poorly person much more manageable. x

22 things I would like to do before I'm 23. (bit of a cheat, started writing the list in Dec, strikes are things I've completed!)
22 things I would like to do before I’m 23
1.     Leave love notes in books at the book shop
2.     Sew something
3.     Visit Groombridge Place
4.     Work around books
5.     Learn how to use my Diana F+ camera
6.     Get in touch with one old friend
7.     Watch It’s a Wonderful Life
8.     If I like it, do it. If I don’t, don’t.
9.     Fill 10 days of my star chart
10.   Go to the National Wildlife Photographer of the Year exhibition
11.  Go somewhere for a day without telling anybody / Go somewhere new
12.   Find a new hobby
13.   Read a series/trilogy
14.   Plan milly’s hen party
15.   Help someone with more significant problems
16.   Organise going to Japan
17.   Sort my bridesmaid dress
18.   Post things to all my friends
19.   Lend someone a book I love
20.   Update my ipod
21.    Organise a social event
22.  Remember to stay independent. You don’t need boys. This means, stop trying to be someone else’s perfect.
- it's going to be a great one. We deserve it.
i think my problem is that i find it extremely difficult to let people in, and when i do, i attach a little piece of myself to them somehow, so that when the time comes for letting go, its even more of a struggle...even if i never intended to let them in in the first place.

Praying everything comes together soon. Today I lost my second job in just over a month, for one reason or another.

Something seriously has to give soon.

For Liane


(because I know you're creeping on me!)


2 nice things from Friday

1. I stroked an owl and felt really happy
2. I baked Tim a birthday cheesecake
Sometimes when I read what other people say about their lives, I think they sound so amazing and perfect and glamourous. I think things like 'wow, they're sitting in their perfect bed, patiently and quietly reading their book, listening to tinkly music and ignoring their phone.  They must just be so content.' I think this because I often try really hard to achieve this perfect state of serenity.  I can put on plinky plonky music, change my sheets, hide my phone and get into bed and sit to read my book but feel complete panic.

Panic perhaps because it is NOT serene.  There are still 1001 things going through my head, and I find it incredibly hard to focus on the page.  The more I think about how perfect it should be, the less perfect it is.

So then I start thinking, and its quite comforting, that the person that I have read about, or envision in my head is perhaps not reading at all, and instead they are pretending and they too have 1001 things buzzing in their brain, but because I'm not in it, I don't know...if that makes sense.  If they were to read about me sitting in my bed studying away at my novel, they might think MY life is peaceful and serene.

So then I get to thinking...what if someone was to write about my life from an outside perspective, without all the head thoughts and heart skips...they'd probably think it was quite cushty.  I do really lovely things which should make me happy, and I have really lovely friends who DO make me happy.  I only really do things that I want to do, ever.  Because I'm set in my ways.....and my friend louise told me, 'if it makes you happy, do it. If it doesnt, dont.' and I think I took that a bit too literally.

SOOOOOOOO...then I thought if I find at least 2 things (because that's easy) that make me happy every day and try and write them down (although I know I wont every day, but its ok to write in my head because that's where all this happens anyway) then perhaps when I look back, from an outside perspective of my present self (you get me?!) then I will think...'Boy,  I had it made, doing all those wonderful things and not thinking any bad thoughts...'

and that might be quite nice.

So anyway. The point of this was...here are 2 nice things that happened to me today, with photo evidence

Harry and I went on a really long walk in the rain, which is the first walk I've been on in ages and had a really great chat about lots of things.  We also tried to work out how to use my Diana F+ camera, which has been in it's box for a year and a half, poor thing. We gave up to drink tea and eat roasted pumpkin seeds.  I love going to Harry's house because it reminds me of growing up and I can wear two kinds of tartan and a raggy boy's jumper and everyone just smiles at me, instead of thinking I'm mental. It makes me nostalgic. In a great way.

This is my first ever chocolate advent calendar. Me and Louise bought each other one this year, a) because I'd never had one, and b) because we don't have boyfriends and thought, well....why don't friends just do this stuff because its nice.  Like, if I would go out of my way to do something nice for my boyfriend, why wouldn't I do that for my friends?  Anyway, we gave them to each other about 2 weeks ago and probably have text each other every day saying how excited we are for 1st December.

I ate my chocolate for breakfast like I know you're supposed to do, wrote my Christmas cards and put some candy canes in milk bottles for the doorstep.

Now who could complain about either of these things?

For Kim

I promise I will write my blog. For you. Even if I have nothing to say! 
Like right now. 
I have nothing to say!!

sometimes you need the props pulled from under your feet so you can discover what is rock and what is sand.

definitely. x

Some good words.

'If I could beg every young woman (without sounding like I’m giving a valedictorian speech) to do one thing, it would be to go somewhere alone. It doesn’t have to be South America or a kibbutz in Israel or the Peace Corps. Buy a bus ticket, hop in the car, jump on the train and get off at a place that is at least an hour from where you live. Talk to a stranger, take them for coffee, wander around and buy yourself a souvenir.  Get lost for a day. Please don’t take a self-portrait picture of yourself to later put on Facebook so that you can show people how adventurous you are, if you can help it. This precious moment is yours and yours alone and for once something belongs to no one else but you.'

-taken from Hellogiggles.com (my new favourite thing)

Bits from my Book (6)

What really knocks me out is a book that, when you're all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it.

JD Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye
I havn't written here since February. My whole self is in a bit of a muddle at the moment. I havn't felt myself in a while, I have no inspiration, no drive.  My boyfriend has just told me I'm not the girl he fell in love with, and he's right. I havn't spent any time doing the things I love and therefore have lost interest in almost everything.  There's no quick fix and I don't know if he'll stick around, but I'm determined to get myself back to normal - write, potter, read, photograph, learn, laugh, not just do what people want because its easier.  come on life, start.

on snow.

"hey, if you don't mind, please fuck off, on behalf of both me and alice. just... if you're free. fuck off. okay? hey thanks."

- Lauren's expression of anger made my day. There's nothing wrong with a little healthy cussing every now and again.
For the last 3 nights in a row, I have woken up at around 4am crying and shaking, with full believe that my best friend is dead.  I read somewhere that when we stop being friends with someone, we mourn them, as if we had lost them, to death or something similarly tragic, in an almost primitive or animalistic way. 
This is how I feel today, like i'm missing something or some part of me, and I have a sinking feeling that my dreams will follow me around all day.  If only people weren't so selfish.

Bits from my book (5)

'One reason Helena and I would never be close friends is that I am about half as tall as she.  People tend to stuck to their own size group because it's easier on the neck.  Unless they are romatically involved, in which case the size difference is sexy.  It means: I am willing to go the distance for you.'

From The Shared Piano, in No one belongs here more than you. Stories by Miranda July.
I don't know what it is in novels that make big sisters the good ones, Meg in Little Women, Jane in Pride and Prejudice, Mary in Little House on the Prairie, but they seem to have it pretty accurate, they all (excepting Mary, who I'm pretty sure turns blind) are wise, a good role model, obviously beautiful and feminine,with exquisite manners and dispostion. 
My big sister runs parallel to these, and her recent engagement to her very own John Brooke, or Mr Bingley will no doubt be the fairy tale ending which all these lovely older sisters deservingly acheive. 

(Also, being the second sister, that leaves a respectable, intelligent and poor Professer Baher for me, or, the charming and rather rich and handsome Mr Darcy, I dont mind waiting around for that, or to live in Pemberley.)

Congratulations Milly.

reference: a pretty average article on famous literary sisters.
I am so cold, I wonder how it can be that I am here and not in the Antarctic. going to bed at 9.30 just to try and stay warm...this is only october...how?!
In other news, my lovely mummy sent me the best gift today..a week (++) worth of fantastic good food to look after me, I was so pleased, I cried, then cried again. and then we all clapped after i cooked my first ever roast dinner for 8 people. my mummy makes me want to do nice things for everyone. so I'm starting now, and buying a present for my sister. and probably one for my mummy too.
thank goodness for family and good friends to look after me when i feel this sick.
It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

well said charles dickens.
New Home, New Room, New Housemates, New Term, New Start, New Course, New Books, New Leaf, Newcastle...you get the theme.

New Address for those letter writers out there: 30 Queens Road, Jesmond, Newcastle, NE2 2PQ
After a substantial hiatus, the time has come to start blogging again I feel...if for nothing else, than to get my brain back to thinking about words words words before the start of term.

Top 5 Things I'm loving right now:

This is England '86
Fight Club
Writing Letters

Top 5 Things I'm hating right now:

Cold Feet
The question 'So what do you want to do after uni'
lack of concentration
missing far away friends
shorter days.
i wonder if anyone i dont know reads this. like how i read blogs of people  i dont know (albeit 99% of the time they are shop / art blogs, not personal) i'd kind of like to think so, in a backwards way.
Jo & I, Aug 2010
(i dont have anything to write here.)
me me   ME ME me       Me

shut up.
Au Revoir Simone. (yes please)
All i want to do is be in New York
“If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to”

On the whole, I truly believe honesty to be the most challenging, yet rewarding virtue. i spend so much time wishing that people would wear as much as they can possess on their sleeves, whilst i similarly to everyone else in question, keep my sleeves very much hidden by protective, thick knit, brightly coloured woolen shrouds.  I guess, like most people I,  like everyone else rather arrogantly worry that what I really think, feel, do, will cause others some form of distress, when ultimately, my opinion really is 'invalid' in a society where people possess such a plethora of 'friends' derived mainly from social networking, that one needle in a haystack opinion is quickly neglected and forgotten.  I know this makes me seem largely like I have forced myself into a social corner very obviously signposted 'CAUTION - LONER'.
 all i'm saying is that I wish that more often it was simple to blurt out my feelings with the knowledge that it could affect someone so much that it would stop them in their tracks for a bit..but sadly, everything seems to get a bit lost as everyone gos about their daily business, and we forget that the time it took for people to gather the courage for 100% honesty, deserves a lot of attention as compensation. i guess no one wants to face up to the truth whether it belongs to us or not.
just to prove the point of not being able to face the truth, or probably more importantly, not wanting to:  I had every intention of stating at least 5 'truths' following this blog. but just cant do it. I dont even know why.
I miss the days of having lots of little things to write, quote and say. when i get over being so tired, i am planning on making thinking my top priority again. roll on the day.
my new best friends.
for photos and the like:

Newcastle 2009

Lauren, Paris March 2010 (I miss her!)
“My fault, my failure, is not in the passions I have, but in my lack of control of them.”
NYC June 2008

I miss New York, I like that we had no money or no real idea what we were doing, and we didn't understand the transport so we walked everywhere. I liked eating at whole foods and in back street restaurants.  I liked sitting by the water and admiring the Statue of Liberty rather than visting her. I liked only realising the Empire State Building was the Empire State Building after we'd passed it.  I liked how busy the MoMA was and that it didn't have any Jeff Koons in it.  I liked the smell of city and clove cigarettes. I liked the book shops and vintage stores and the village. And i really like that I can go back one day.
Peru 2008
Bolivia 2008
Just a hug - Newcastle 2010
Isn't it sad how often your life depends so much on other people? I honestly can't decide whether I'd rather be selfish and not care, or care a lot and feel inadequate. Tough one.
I miss taking photos of random crap. if anyone knows where my camera charger is I'll be forever grateful.

Word. (7)

-  The philosophical idea that only one's own mind is sure to exist; the theory that only the self exists, or can be proved to exist.

- Extreme preoccupation with and indulgence of, one's feelings, desires etc. ego-tistic self-absorption.

Bits from my book (4)

But when the self speaks to the self, who is speaking? - the entombed soul, the spirit driven in, in , to the central catacomb; the self that took the veil and left the world - a coward perhaps, yet somehow beautiful, as it flits with its lantern relentlessly up and down dark corridors.
-Virginia Woolf, Letters, IV, 27th September, 1930
-What's wrong with you?
-I don't know, let me think about that. I'll tell you next time I see you