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'nothing should ever be awkward unless you make it so'
- this has helped me through some rather uncomfortable social situations, and whenever i feel slightly out of my depth, or like a circumstance is much bigger than i am, i try and remember it, and can usually find something to say. i hope it helps others too, its the most helpful piece of advice (if you can call it advice) i have received all year.
Re-Cap
Last Years Resolutions:
Things to Do in 2009
Things to Do in 2009
- learn how to play Backgammon -nope.
- visit the boy in new york - nope
- visit edinburgh and durham - nope and yes.
- improve my photography skills - a little
- write my blog - yes
- join some societies/mix it up - nope and yes
2009.
So this year has been a strange one-full of ups and downs, insecurities, and new developments or changes. As the Queen suggested in her Christmas day speech, perhaps 2009 is year better left forgotten, or perhaps not. Maybe one day I shall look back on this year with great fondness, remembering the angst, uncertainty and the pains of 'first love's fresh sting' as part of a learning curve, that will one day shape who, or what I am. I know one day I will laugh, and I don't think I will regret in the future, or do regret now, anything I have done this year. I feel I have grown a lot in the space of a year, of 6 months even, from a over attatched and overly sentimental girl, to a more independent, free-thinking, (still a girl) person who can't imagine ever losing her sense of self so much again.
In this year I have:
learned, sang loudly, jumped around, ran, over-loved, over-hated, over-killed, laughed until I cried, cried until I laughed, anticipated an end, felt an end, suffered an end, had a birthday, had two surprise parties,never appreciated my friends more, went to a ball, used work as a distraction, wanted to go home, wanted to leave home, uncovered truths, suffered uncovered truths, had the best day of my year in my back garden, never loved friends more, moaned, walked for a week in the lake district, dated, ate, drank, danced, laughed, photographed, discovered and fell in love with Kerouac, worked, left home, moved into a new house, partied, saw and stopped seeing for no reason, felt nothing, felt everything, angrily smashed plates in a back alley, cut ties, missed ties, worked, performed, volunteered, took on new responsibilities, tried hard, didnt try at all, read, learned, built bridges, cared too much, stopped caring all together, cooked, surprised, had sleepovers, stayed up all night talking, stayed up all night dancing, found new confidence, used it, had luck with boys, had no luck with boys, had luck with girls, had no luck with girls, used my youth, felt my age, road tripped, danced for days, felt free, felt constrained, fallen in love for an evening/day, fallen out of love, worked, stopped working, felt out of my comfort zone, got a piercing, said 'enough', travelled home, worked worked worked, reconnected with old friends, cooked great food, ate great food, felt a hole, filled a hole, felt confused, seen clarity, felt confused again, celebrated, moaned, felt alive, felt blank, felt everything again, read, enjoyed, loved.
This year I have spent a large amount of time working out who my friends are and what they mean to me, and then trying hard to invest in them, the way in which i love people may often seem misguided, misfitting, confused, confusing, overzealous even, but at least it's love: and i hope this recognition of emotion carries on forever. I take great comfort in my belief that things happen for a reason, and even in the saddest of times, something great will happen as a result. This year I have learned a hell of a lot more about myself than I ever knew before; I may not know exactly who I am, or who I would like to be yet, but I know what I like and who I like etc. for now. I am finding being young exciting - unnerving, but exciting, and although at times I feel confused and scared, I sort of think that's quite exciting too.
In this year I have:
learned, sang loudly, jumped around, ran, over-loved, over-hated, over-killed, laughed until I cried, cried until I laughed, anticipated an end, felt an end, suffered an end, had a birthday, had two surprise parties,never appreciated my friends more, went to a ball, used work as a distraction, wanted to go home, wanted to leave home, uncovered truths, suffered uncovered truths, had the best day of my year in my back garden, never loved friends more, moaned, walked for a week in the lake district, dated, ate, drank, danced, laughed, photographed, discovered and fell in love with Kerouac, worked, left home, moved into a new house, partied, saw and stopped seeing for no reason, felt nothing, felt everything, angrily smashed plates in a back alley, cut ties, missed ties, worked, performed, volunteered, took on new responsibilities, tried hard, didnt try at all, read, learned, built bridges, cared too much, stopped caring all together, cooked, surprised, had sleepovers, stayed up all night talking, stayed up all night dancing, found new confidence, used it, had luck with boys, had no luck with boys, had luck with girls, had no luck with girls, used my youth, felt my age, road tripped, danced for days, felt free, felt constrained, fallen in love for an evening/day, fallen out of love, worked, stopped working, felt out of my comfort zone, got a piercing, said 'enough', travelled home, worked worked worked, reconnected with old friends, cooked great food, ate great food, felt a hole, filled a hole, felt confused, seen clarity, felt confused again, celebrated, moaned, felt alive, felt blank, felt everything again, read, enjoyed, loved.
This year I have spent a large amount of time working out who my friends are and what they mean to me, and then trying hard to invest in them, the way in which i love people may often seem misguided, misfitting, confused, confusing, overzealous even, but at least it's love: and i hope this recognition of emotion carries on forever. I take great comfort in my belief that things happen for a reason, and even in the saddest of times, something great will happen as a result. This year I have learned a hell of a lot more about myself than I ever knew before; I may not know exactly who I am, or who I would like to be yet, but I know what I like and who I like etc. for now. I am finding being young exciting - unnerving, but exciting, and although at times I feel confused and scared, I sort of think that's quite exciting too.
Word. (6)
Overzealous
(O-Ver-Zeal-Ous)
Excessively Enthusiastic; marked by excessive enthusiasm for and intense devotion to a cause or idea.
(O-Ver-Zeal-Ous)
Excessively Enthusiastic; marked by excessive enthusiasm for and intense devotion to a cause or idea.
Festive 4.
Our Christmas Room
I love the reflection of all the lights in the windows, it makes Christmas go on and on and on into the dark garden.
Festive 3.
he's warm, grumpy and is a rubbish attempt at a dog, but he always cheers one up, and he loves wrapping paper.
Festive 2.
'Christmas won't be Christmas without any presents' grumbled Jo, lying on the rug.'
Everything about this book and film fills me with joy, when we were younger milly and I rented it from movie mania 12 times. all that snow and innocent youthfulness makes me so happy. plus its romantic. plus it has Christian Bale in it.
bah humbug.
No one seems to be feeling particularly festive this year, whether its because everyone feels overloaded with work rather than cheer or just we are all becoming too cynical in our aging, it simply is just depressing. so in my attempt to force myself into my usual festive state of being, every day until the joyful day arrives, I intend to post something which reminds me of just how exciting Christmas is.
m.j
I should not be allowed to dance, am beginning to consider asking my dad for tips. rock bottom situation.
Oh Shakespeare!
Tomorrow I will be performing the following speech much to my horror and ever growing anxiety. If I don't remember this speech for the next 5 years (at least) I will be severely put out.
The Mercy that was quick in us but late, by your own counsel is suppressed and killed. You must not dare for shame to talk of mercy, for your own reasons turn into your bosoms as dogs upon their masters, worrying you. See you my princes and my noble peers, these English Monsters! My Lord of Cambridge here, you know how apt our love was to accord, to furnish him with all appertinents belonging to his honour. But this man hath, for a few light crowns, lightly conspired and sworn unto the practices of France to kill us here in Hampton. To the which, this Knight, no less for bounty bound to us than Cambridge is, hath likewise sworn. But oh, what shall I say to thee Lord Scroop, thou cruel, savage, inhuman and ingrateful creature?! Thou that didst bear the key to all my counsels, that knewest the very bottom of my soul, that almost mighst have coined me into gold. Wouldst thou have practised on me for thy use? May it be possible that foreign hire could out of thee extract one spark of evil to annoy my finger? Thou hast 'gainst all proportion brought in wonder to wait on treason and on murder, and whatsoever cunning fiend it was that hath wrought upon thee so proposterously hath got the voice in hell for excellence. He that hath tempered thee, bade thee stand up. Gave the no instance why thou shouldst do treason unless to dub thee with thy name of traitor. And if that same demon that hath gulled thee thus should with his lion's gait walk the whole world, he might return to vasty Tartar back, and tell the legions 'never can I win a soul so Easy as that Englishman's'. Oh how hast thou with jealousy infected the sweetness of affiance! Show men dutiful? Why so didst thou. Seem they grave and learned? Why so didst thou. Come they from noble family? Why so didst thou. Seem they religious? Why so didst thou? Or are they spare in diet, free from gross passion or of mirth of anger, constant in spirit, not swerving with the blood, garnished and decked in modest complement, not working with the eye without the ear, and but in purged judgement trusting neither? Such and so finely bolted didst thou seem, and thus thy fall hath left a kind of blot to mark the full fraught man and must be endued with some suspicion. I will weep for thee. For this revolt of thine, methinks, is like another fall of man. Their faults are open! Arrest them to the answer of the law, and God acquit them of theur practices!
-Henry V, Act II, Scene II.
Wish me Luck!
The Mercy that was quick in us but late, by your own counsel is suppressed and killed. You must not dare for shame to talk of mercy, for your own reasons turn into your bosoms as dogs upon their masters, worrying you. See you my princes and my noble peers, these English Monsters! My Lord of Cambridge here, you know how apt our love was to accord, to furnish him with all appertinents belonging to his honour. But this man hath, for a few light crowns, lightly conspired and sworn unto the practices of France to kill us here in Hampton. To the which, this Knight, no less for bounty bound to us than Cambridge is, hath likewise sworn. But oh, what shall I say to thee Lord Scroop, thou cruel, savage, inhuman and ingrateful creature?! Thou that didst bear the key to all my counsels, that knewest the very bottom of my soul, that almost mighst have coined me into gold. Wouldst thou have practised on me for thy use? May it be possible that foreign hire could out of thee extract one spark of evil to annoy my finger? Thou hast 'gainst all proportion brought in wonder to wait on treason and on murder, and whatsoever cunning fiend it was that hath wrought upon thee so proposterously hath got the voice in hell for excellence. He that hath tempered thee, bade thee stand up. Gave the no instance why thou shouldst do treason unless to dub thee with thy name of traitor. And if that same demon that hath gulled thee thus should with his lion's gait walk the whole world, he might return to vasty Tartar back, and tell the legions 'never can I win a soul so Easy as that Englishman's'. Oh how hast thou with jealousy infected the sweetness of affiance! Show men dutiful? Why so didst thou. Seem they grave and learned? Why so didst thou. Come they from noble family? Why so didst thou. Seem they religious? Why so didst thou? Or are they spare in diet, free from gross passion or of mirth of anger, constant in spirit, not swerving with the blood, garnished and decked in modest complement, not working with the eye without the ear, and but in purged judgement trusting neither? Such and so finely bolted didst thou seem, and thus thy fall hath left a kind of blot to mark the full fraught man and must be endued with some suspicion. I will weep for thee. For this revolt of thine, methinks, is like another fall of man. Their faults are open! Arrest them to the answer of the law, and God acquit them of theur practices!
-Henry V, Act II, Scene II.
Wish me Luck!
Word. (5.)
Charismatic
char-is-mat-ic
1.Of, relating to, or characterised by charisma (a personal magnetivity or charm)
2.Possessing an extraordinary ability to attract
'There aren't many strong or charismatic candidates today, because many people can't withstand the scrutiny. '
-Tom Ford
'That's the thing about charisma, It makes everyone believe. But there is nothing impossible, When I'm with you and when you're with me'
-Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band.
char-is-mat-ic
1.Of, relating to, or characterised by charisma (a personal magnetivity or charm)
2.Possessing an extraordinary ability to attract
'There aren't many strong or charismatic candidates today, because many people can't withstand the scrutiny. '
-Tom Ford
'That's the thing about charisma, It makes everyone believe. But there is nothing impossible, When I'm with you and when you're with me'
-Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band.
It seems that time of year has come again where everyone becomes enslaved by the winter blues. i miss the positivity i felt at the beginning of term, just as i miss being surrounded by people who enforced it, or were in the frame of mind to lend a helping hand when any kind of doubt hit. i think in these times of general doom and gloom, it becomes easier to see who really pulls through for you, keeps you ticking. it can become so easy to feel lost within the shroud of depression which comes right about now, so at this time, i intend to involve myself with as many projects, adventures etc as possible. no one likes a fun sponge. and Christmas is on it's merry way, or will be soon. so chin up everybody.please.
Word. (4)
Bootism.
- A religion for people who are passionate about fashionable footwear.
"A shoe religion, celebrating, explaining and validating the passion for everything shoes".
- A religion for people who are passionate about fashionable footwear.
"A shoe religion, celebrating, explaining and validating the passion for everything shoes".
__________________________________________________________________________________
Having ridiculously fun, frivolous and fantastic shoes keeps me so happy. Ryan Adams has validated my suspicions that shopping is genius. truly. couldn't have put it better myself.
Word. (3)
Satu- A name which means 'fairy tale' or 'fable' in Finnish.
My Top 5 Fairy Tales:
-Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
-Beauty and The Beast
-Bluebeard / La Barbe-Bleue
-Snow White and the 7 Dwarves
-Cinderella
__________________________________________
Thankyou Lauren for my beautiful frame and for being so scrappy.
Hallo-Queen.
Thankyou Kim for making and sending me my outfit, i loved my tutu so much I even fell asleep in it!
More Treat than Trick
Ryan Gosling's new project/band 'Dead Man's Bones' is one i love. Just in time for Halloween. Not only do i think Ryan Gosling is excessively cool...I think the idea of him and his best mate 'rounding up a bunch of instruments-some of which they don't know how to play-and a massive children's choir and making a concept albulm about the supernatural' is also incredible.
'The pair bonded over a shared obsession with scary stuff like ghosts, monsters, and zombies, and set out to create a spooky musical theater production, "a Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire kind of show," as Gosling described it. Somewhere along the way, the "theater production" aspect of it fell to the wayside, but the songs remained. '
-what's not to love? Ryan Gosling...good/fun music and an inspired DIY project.
-oh, with fun artwork too.
-little bit in love
<3
Word.(2)
ENIGMAtic
[en-ig-mat-ik]
-adjective
1.resembling an enigma; perplexing; mysterious
Synonyms: puzzling, baffling, cryptic, ambiguous.
An enigmatic person: One whose actions are difficult to understand, or hard to predict. usually a quiet, introverted person about whom no-one knows very much. (tip of the ice-berg, that kinda thing.. sometmes i grow tired of trying to figure out these kinds of people-but ultimately..i love them the best, because they can't be worked out..due to their enigmatic nature.)
'The only people for me are the mad ones' - Jack Kerouac.
[en-ig-mat-ik]
-adjective
1.resembling an enigma; perplexing; mysterious
Synonyms: puzzling, baffling, cryptic, ambiguous.
An enigmatic person: One whose actions are difficult to understand, or hard to predict. usually a quiet, introverted person about whom no-one knows very much. (tip of the ice-berg, that kinda thing.. sometmes i grow tired of trying to figure out these kinds of people-but ultimately..i love them the best, because they can't be worked out..due to their enigmatic nature.)
'The only people for me are the mad ones' - Jack Kerouac.
Kent.
There is actually nothing so nice as a whistle-stop, spontaneous trip home. especially at this time of year, when Kent just looks so beautiful. i actually beamed on my way home this evening when i found myself following a badger for half a mile up the road.
(phorb)
(un-named 1, un-named 2..and harry, and his awkward bulge, his words, not mine)
(my favourite..................................Harry's favourite)
(franky catching the rays in his usual hangout, 2nd step)
Word. (1.)
QUIXOTic
[kwik-sot-ic]
-adjective.
1.resembling or befitting Don Quixote
2.extravagantly chivalrous or romantic; visionary, impractical or impracticable
3.impulsive and often rashly unpredictable
Some definitions of quixotic further add that a person who is quixotic is impulsive, capricious, or a dreamer of impossible dreams, as per the Man of La Mancha song. Further a quixotic person might have no regard for money, and might be an elaborate spender or eschew the riches of the world.
To be quixotic, i believe, is enviable. to not be tied down by the oppression of reality. although i am obviously not quixotic as i can't help but think that those who are will one day be quite disappointed. or perhaps not. on a good day i would like to call myself quixotic, as surely to be so, is just to be optimistic and hopeful. there can't be anything wrong with believing in a utopian way of living can there really?
(wes anderson is quixotic and i can't wait for fantastic mr fox.)
[kwik-sot-ic]
-adjective.
1.resembling or befitting Don Quixote
2.extravagantly chivalrous or romantic; visionary, impractical or impracticable
3.impulsive and often rashly unpredictable
Some definitions of quixotic further add that a person who is quixotic is impulsive, capricious, or a dreamer of impossible dreams, as per the Man of La Mancha song. Further a quixotic person might have no regard for money, and might be an elaborate spender or eschew the riches of the world.
To be quixotic, i believe, is enviable. to not be tied down by the oppression of reality. although i am obviously not quixotic as i can't help but think that those who are will one day be quite disappointed. or perhaps not. on a good day i would like to call myself quixotic, as surely to be so, is just to be optimistic and hopeful. there can't be anything wrong with believing in a utopian way of living can there really?
(wes anderson is quixotic and i can't wait for fantastic mr fox.)
recent happenings and events have bitten quite a large chunk out of my confidence, i never had much confidence to speak out to, or within a large group of people; i often find myself slightly repressed, or anxious to say how i really feel..more so when something negative happens within my life..i find it difficult to talk to people, or really vent how i'm feeling, unless i have established some kind of trust.
at the moment i am taking an incredible 'performing shakespeare' module, entirely by default, my haphazardness with computers is entirely to blame, meaning, i basically picked the wrong course. however, this appears to have sprung to my advantage, opening new doors onto new experiences that my timidity would never usually allow me to follow as it were. i struggle quite a lot with this class, it is not within my nature as an english-man, or just in general, to run around hugging strangers or to become immediate 'bezzies' with people i have only just met. but within this class, it is fine, no..essential.. to put all reservedness and doubts aside and to embrace anything liberal that one possibly possesses. our task this week was to memorise a sonnet for recital, and being one stumbling girl (with a recent tendancy to stutter) this prospect frightened me incredibly. despite my desire to go in to the class and forget my bumbling ways, when one lover of reading and watching, not performing, shakespeare enters a class of budding thesps, it is hard to not feel pressurised to put false feeling and confidence into things. basically, it is obvious that i lack the mighty confidence that many of my class possess. however, my very kindly and understanding teacher noticed my hesitation, and instead of forcing me to get on with it...he had me turn my back on the class of 20 whilst they pressed right up against me, so close that i could feel them breathing, whilst my partner (also learning the same sonnet) held my hand. and where before i stumbled over my lines, tripped over words, and forgot key words, i found myself filled with a new confidence, and recited, nay, performed my sonnet with a certain enthusiasm which i never believed myself capable of...following which, i was able to turn around and perform the sonnet again facing my peers and looking each one clearly and steadfastly in the eye.. the whole purpose of this excersise my teacher said, 'was to encourage me to learn that with support of friends or peers, one is able to express themselves, without feelings of repression, and to just let go and be yourself with confidence.'
this i believe to be a valuable lesson, without the feeling that those you care about are holding your hand, or have your back, it is hard to acheive much. this is why i'm glad to have friends who will support me in my grievances, or wierd opinions and ideas, so that one day i can turn back round and support myself with confidence.
bit cheesy, but a nice feeling none-the-less.
at the moment i am taking an incredible 'performing shakespeare' module, entirely by default, my haphazardness with computers is entirely to blame, meaning, i basically picked the wrong course. however, this appears to have sprung to my advantage, opening new doors onto new experiences that my timidity would never usually allow me to follow as it were. i struggle quite a lot with this class, it is not within my nature as an english-man, or just in general, to run around hugging strangers or to become immediate 'bezzies' with people i have only just met. but within this class, it is fine, no..essential.. to put all reservedness and doubts aside and to embrace anything liberal that one possibly possesses. our task this week was to memorise a sonnet for recital, and being one stumbling girl (with a recent tendancy to stutter) this prospect frightened me incredibly. despite my desire to go in to the class and forget my bumbling ways, when one lover of reading and watching, not performing, shakespeare enters a class of budding thesps, it is hard to not feel pressurised to put false feeling and confidence into things. basically, it is obvious that i lack the mighty confidence that many of my class possess. however, my very kindly and understanding teacher noticed my hesitation, and instead of forcing me to get on with it...he had me turn my back on the class of 20 whilst they pressed right up against me, so close that i could feel them breathing, whilst my partner (also learning the same sonnet) held my hand. and where before i stumbled over my lines, tripped over words, and forgot key words, i found myself filled with a new confidence, and recited, nay, performed my sonnet with a certain enthusiasm which i never believed myself capable of...following which, i was able to turn around and perform the sonnet again facing my peers and looking each one clearly and steadfastly in the eye.. the whole purpose of this excersise my teacher said, 'was to encourage me to learn that with support of friends or peers, one is able to express themselves, without feelings of repression, and to just let go and be yourself with confidence.'
this i believe to be a valuable lesson, without the feeling that those you care about are holding your hand, or have your back, it is hard to acheive much. this is why i'm glad to have friends who will support me in my grievances, or wierd opinions and ideas, so that one day i can turn back round and support myself with confidence.
bit cheesy, but a nice feeling none-the-less.
Playlist.
1.Train Song - Feist and Ben Gibbard
2.Amazing Grace - Cat Power and Dirty Delta Blues
3.Methamphetamine - Son Volt
4.Lenin - Arcade Fire
5.El Caporal - My Morning Jacket.
6.Kind Words from the Broken Hearted - The Cribs
7.Evergreen - Ryan Adams and the Cardinals
8.Quiet Houses - Fleet Foxes
9.Gentle Hour - Yo La Tengo
10.Country Mile - Camera Obscura
2.Amazing Grace - Cat Power and Dirty Delta Blues
3.Methamphetamine - Son Volt
4.Lenin - Arcade Fire
5.El Caporal - My Morning Jacket.
6.Kind Words from the Broken Hearted - The Cribs
7.Evergreen - Ryan Adams and the Cardinals
8.Quiet Houses - Fleet Foxes
9.Gentle Hour - Yo La Tengo
10.Country Mile - Camera Obscura
Yes Please.
as i wandered home from a particulary wine-fuelled evening last week, i couldn't help but think how negative i have become recently. or not even recently if i'm being honest. not about everything, or everyone..just a general lack of enthusiasm regarding certain pursuits, mainly..anything youthful. it was then that i thought of an article i recently read, something to do with universities having become commercial entities (i think was the phrase used) in which the old qualities of student life which were so revered in the past, are disintegrating quicker and faster. where are the gig posters, socialist workers, left-wing idealists etc.etc?. i thought about this, and more and more it dawned on me, that perhaps i had, in my aforementioned lack of enthusiasm joined ranks with the people who i always slightly judge; those who remain only within a 'michrocosm of a wider commercially obsessed' world.
i'm not sure i'm really ready for forming a band, or dyeing my hair blue and purple just to make a statement. i think the point is more, experimentation. trying new things to see if they stick/fit. being a 'yes' man, rather than a 'hmm...maybe, but i'll probably flake' man. let's see how it goes.
Things I have said yes to this week that perhaps i wouldn't have done last week:
-auditioning for the university play (i went bright red and stuttered my way through it-needless to say, i didn't get a call back, but i had a good laugh at myself anyway)
-working at Durham book festival (i'm actually really excited about this, i get to attend an evening based around new york poetry and music, focusing especially on leonard cohen, for free!)
-going 'out, out' on wednesday night..i made about 3 new friends, 2 of whom i'll probably talk to again.
-writing for the student paper.
-working in a soup kitchen. (i start in 2 weeks)
this is more like it. i'm having heaps more fun, and infact, i feel like my confidence is on the rise. finally.
i'm not sure i'm really ready for forming a band, or dyeing my hair blue and purple just to make a statement. i think the point is more, experimentation. trying new things to see if they stick/fit. being a 'yes' man, rather than a 'hmm...maybe, but i'll probably flake' man. let's see how it goes.
Things I have said yes to this week that perhaps i wouldn't have done last week:
-auditioning for the university play (i went bright red and stuttered my way through it-needless to say, i didn't get a call back, but i had a good laugh at myself anyway)
-working at Durham book festival (i'm actually really excited about this, i get to attend an evening based around new york poetry and music, focusing especially on leonard cohen, for free!)
-going 'out, out' on wednesday night..i made about 3 new friends, 2 of whom i'll probably talk to again.
-writing for the student paper.
-working in a soup kitchen. (i start in 2 weeks)
this is more like it. i'm having heaps more fun, and infact, i feel like my confidence is on the rise. finally.
my name should be Earl
one of these days, karma is going to come round and throw me a frickin' big bone.
I have been thinking a lot recently about lieing and liars. So much, that I have written down countless notes on the subject, and following my usual train of thought writing techniques, have had to spend some time sifting through my views and ideas to come up with anything, or something that means anything..to me anyway.
Everyone lies. whether it is merely an exaggeration of reality to make ourselves appear better to others, or just spinning a general web to hide ourselves from the truth.
The only real thing I have to say on the subject (after a sickening realisation, that I and everyone else tells casual lies from time to time) is that I genuinely feel great sadness for those who feel they must cover up who they are/where they are/what they are doing to those they love the most. They must feel so lonely within their lies, as they pull the wool thicker and tighter around those who know them the least..they must be blinding themselves also..but do they know it? To lie is the most self-destructive path you can take..there is always someone who must know the truth. As important as having secrets, and secret keeping is, someone always loves you enough to know the truth.
Despite a great reluctance to place all cards face up on the table, I believe this can be the most gratifying action for some people. Everyone must have some qualities they can be proud of, and some which they cannot be proud of, but the idea of having friends that don't or wouldn't take me/you, for who you/I am is destroying. and should be removed immediately.
Everyone lies. whether it is merely an exaggeration of reality to make ourselves appear better to others, or just spinning a general web to hide ourselves from the truth.
The only real thing I have to say on the subject (after a sickening realisation, that I and everyone else tells casual lies from time to time) is that I genuinely feel great sadness for those who feel they must cover up who they are/where they are/what they are doing to those they love the most. They must feel so lonely within their lies, as they pull the wool thicker and tighter around those who know them the least..they must be blinding themselves also..but do they know it? To lie is the most self-destructive path you can take..there is always someone who must know the truth. As important as having secrets, and secret keeping is, someone always loves you enough to know the truth.
Despite a great reluctance to place all cards face up on the table, I believe this can be the most gratifying action for some people. Everyone must have some qualities they can be proud of, and some which they cannot be proud of, but the idea of having friends that don't or wouldn't take me/you, for who you/I am is destroying. and should be removed immediately.
sometimes being bored is the most fantastic and desirable thing to be. i am devoting my day to being bored in the nicest possible way.
things i have done today:
things i have done today:
- Had a big warm bubble bath with my love duck and The Book Thief
- Laid on my bed and listened to Ryan Adams whilst thinking of nothing in particular
- Written imaginary letters, yet not actually put pen to paper
- Painted my nails, lathered myself in cocoa butter and snuggled in my byu blanket
- Read the paper with a cup of tea and a sandwich.
things i will do today:
- Put on my lazy clothes and watch a good film.
- Read The Book Thief some more
- Tea, Tea, Tea
- go to work
Listen up you.
The Harder They Come - Willie Nelson feat. Ryan Adams
Wild Child - Lou Reed
Hey There, Mrs Lovely - Ryan Adams
Other Towns & Cities - Camera Obscura
Carry On - J.J Cale
Our Bovine Public - The Cribs
Transmission - Joy Division
Wild Child - Lou Reed
Hey There, Mrs Lovely - Ryan Adams
Other Towns & Cities - Camera Obscura
Carry On - J.J Cale
Our Bovine Public - The Cribs
Transmission - Joy Division
whatever.
I miss so many people and so many things. I wish I could be surrounded by them all the time, but I don't think I could replace all those good times. So it's probably best to just get on with it and be glad that those people still exist somewhere.
6 things that have made me happy this week:
- Kind words and box of swiss miss (my favourite 'ho-cho' in the world) from Lauren. I know technically this was last week, but I re-read the letter today and sipped swiss miss and was again touched.
- Notting Hill - Not because it's funny, or because Hugh Grant is cute, but because it gives me hope that Ryan Gosling/Ryan Adams/Conor Oberst/Johnny Depp might walk into my work place one day and find my stammering English-ness endearing, fall head over heels, walk me through a park, give me a painting and confess his/their love. we would live happily ever after.
- Going to the Doctors - sometimes it is all you need to have a kind, but indifferent stranger confirming what you already know and telling you point-blank what to do about it. refreshing.
- Walking.
- http://www.thesatorialist.blogspot.com/ ... i especially love the stylish old men and the Europeans on their bikes. I firstly would love a new bike, and secondly, would love somewhere stylish to ride it. one day i will live in Paris.
- 'Man on Wire' - this documentary is truly wonderful, and I would recommend to anyone who needs uplifitng. watch it. Phillipe Petit is the most enigmatic and inspiring story teller. his acheivements have really lifted my spirits this week, plus, the documentary itself is just perfect.
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