recent happenings and events have bitten quite a large chunk out of my confidence, i never had much confidence to speak out to, or within a large group of people; i often find myself slightly repressed, or anxious to say how i really feel..more so when something negative happens within my life..i find it difficult to talk to people, or really vent how i'm feeling, unless i have established some kind of trust.
at the moment i am taking an incredible 'performing shakespeare' module, entirely by default, my haphazardness with computers is entirely to blame, meaning, i basically picked the wrong course. however, this appears to have sprung to my advantage, opening new doors onto new experiences that my timidity would never usually allow me to follow as it were. i struggle quite a lot with this class, it is not within my nature as an english-man, or just in general, to run around hugging strangers or to become immediate 'bezzies' with people i have only just met. but within this class, it is fine, no..essential.. to put all reservedness and doubts aside and to embrace anything liberal that one possibly possesses. our task this week was to memorise a sonnet for recital, and being one stumbling girl (with a recent tendancy to stutter) this prospect frightened me incredibly. despite my desire to go in to the class and forget my bumbling ways, when one lover of reading and watching, not performing, shakespeare enters a class of budding thesps, it is hard to not feel pressurised to put false feeling and confidence into things. basically, it is obvious that i lack the mighty confidence that many of my class possess. however, my very kindly and understanding teacher noticed my hesitation, and instead of forcing me to get on with it...he had me turn my back on the class of 20 whilst they pressed right up against me, so close that i could feel them breathing, whilst my partner (also learning the same sonnet) held my hand. and where before i stumbled over my lines, tripped over words, and forgot key words, i found myself filled with a new confidence, and recited, nay, performed my sonnet with a certain enthusiasm which i never believed myself capable of...following which, i was able to turn around and perform the sonnet again facing my peers and looking each one clearly and steadfastly in the eye.. the whole purpose of this excersise my teacher said, 'was to encourage me to learn that with support of friends or peers, one is able to express themselves, without feelings of repression, and to just let go and be yourself with confidence.'
this i believe to be a valuable lesson, without the feeling that those you care about are holding your hand, or have your back, it is hard to acheive much. this is why i'm glad to have friends who will support me in my grievances, or wierd opinions and ideas, so that one day i can turn back round and support myself with confidence.
bit cheesy, but a nice feeling none-the-less.