2009.

So this year has been a strange one-full of ups and downs, insecurities, and new developments or changes.  As the Queen suggested in her Christmas day speech, perhaps 2009 is  year better left forgotten, or perhaps not.  Maybe one day I shall look back on this year with great fondness, remembering the angst, uncertainty and the pains of 'first love's fresh sting' as part of a learning curve, that will one day shape who, or what I am.  I know one day I will laugh, and I don't think I will regret in the future, or do regret now, anything I have done this year.  I feel I have grown a lot in the space of a year, of 6 months even, from a over attatched and overly sentimental girl, to a more independent, free-thinking, (still a girl) person who can't imagine ever losing her sense of self so much again.
In this year I have:
learned, sang loudly, jumped around, ran, over-loved, over-hated, over-killed, laughed until I cried, cried until I laughed, anticipated an end, felt an end, suffered an end, had a birthday, had two surprise parties,never appreciated my friends more, went to a ball, used work as a distraction, wanted to go home, wanted to leave home, uncovered truths, suffered uncovered truths, had the best day of my year in my back garden, never loved friends more, moaned, walked for a week in the lake district, dated, ate, drank, danced, laughed, photographed, discovered and fell in love with Kerouac, worked, left home, moved into a new house, partied, saw and stopped seeing for no reason, felt nothing, felt everything, angrily smashed plates in a back alley, cut ties, missed ties, worked, performed, volunteered, took on new responsibilities, tried hard, didnt try at all, read, learned, built bridges, cared too much, stopped caring all together, cooked, surprised, had sleepovers, stayed up all night talking, stayed up all night dancing, found new confidence, used it, had luck with boys, had no luck with boys, had luck with girls, had no luck with girls, used my youth, felt my age, road tripped, danced for days, felt free, felt constrained, fallen in love for an evening/day, fallen out of love, worked, stopped working, felt out of my comfort zone, got a piercing, said 'enough', travelled home, worked worked worked, reconnected with old friends, cooked great food, ate great food, felt a hole, filled a hole, felt confused, seen clarity, felt confused again, celebrated, moaned, felt alive, felt blank, felt everything again, read, enjoyed, loved.

This year I have spent a large amount of time working out who my friends are and what they mean to me, and then trying hard to invest in them,  the way in which i love people may often seem misguided, misfitting, confused, confusing, overzealous even, but at least it's love: and i hope this recognition of emotion carries on forever.  I take great comfort in my belief that things happen for a reason, and even in the saddest of times, something great will happen as a result.  This year I have learned a hell of a lot more about myself than I ever knew before;  I may not know exactly who I am, or who I would like to be yet, but I know what I like and who I like etc. for now.  I am finding being young exciting - unnerving, but exciting, and although at times I feel confused and scared, I sort of think that's quite exciting too.